The Deployment Diary

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

I made it - but it wasn't any fun...

I received a call earlier this afternoon from husband. He's back in the rear and once weapons are cleaned and put away and vehicles are washed, he'll be home. I imagine he might be home by midnight lol.

I guess it was Sunday or Monday night, I had my sob for this trip lol. I had gone upstairs to put the babies to bed and it was HOT up there. From painting our bedroom and our son's bedroom right before Christmas, just the smell - goodness. It took me back to last summer of it being so hot and me working on our bedroom. That fear in the pit of my belly emerged, that sick feeling that is just right around the edges - the loneliness...every bit of it came back as if it was all still happening.

Isn't odd how smells or a song can take you back to a place and time of your past? My goodness, that night it took me right back to the fear I haven't felt in nine months - it was as if it was last May and none of us having a clue as to when they would be home.

I put the babies to bed and came downstairs. I looked around and realized that sooner, rather than later, THIS - THIS emptiness and fear and sick feeling would be my life for another full year.

So I sobbed for a while. Actually, it felt pretty darn good to let it out. But, even after I called my best friend and we talked about it, the reality was still there. It wasn't last year - it was a year later. However, soon it would be next year and it might as well be 2003/4. And it stinks. It really does. I know it's "part of military life" and this is what he does for a living and I respect that tremendously. It sure as hell doesn't make it any easier to live without him though and live hour to hour knowing how damn fragile life is. That you never get back yesterday so you damn well have made the best of your time together.

That's where I've been this week. In some sort of strange in-between. He's gone but not really gone and I'm fine but I'm really NOT fine. The smell of new paint brought it all home and I had no idea how hard it would hit me - until it did.

So, when he pulls up in front of the house tonight, whether it's 9 pm or 1 am, my rear will be sitting on the porch waiting for him. And when I see him, I plan on tackling him right there in the street in front of God and neighbors :). I just can't WAIT to see him...

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  • I hear ya. I mean, I am getting all excited about him coming back (in 9, but then I think, well, he'll be leaving again after that, what does that mean? Half the time crap, half the time estatic? It's kind of like getting excited about a 2 week vacation: in 2 weeks it will be over, and things will be back to normal.
    It's hard to look forward to his year back, when I know that it means it will be followed by another year away. But as you say: that's part of military life, but just accepting that, doesn't make it any easier.
    Thanks for writing such an honest post.

    By Blogger CaliValleyGirl, at 6/11/2005 5:47 AM  

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