The Deployment Diary

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Day 304 - I Knew it Was...

a cry in the closet day the minute I woke up this morning and could barely get up off the couch. My arms, my back, my shoulders...everything hurt. Guess carting out all that carpet wasn't such a great thing for my body lol. I was so stiff I felt like a train wreck for sure. On top of it, I couldn't sleep last night. I was so worn out, but starting at 10 pm, there was no going to sleep no matter how many times I tried. Yep, makes for a pity party for ONE the next day lol. Being overly tired does it to me every time lol. The husband makes sure we go to bed at decent times so he can reduce the, "Nothing's wrong, I'm just tired and that commercial was so sad..."

Yeah - therapy, I know, I know.

So I get up and groan to the kitchen to make coffee. I try to get woke up and moving. I get breakfast for the babies and then get upstairs to work on what is now called the damn bedroom lol.

I see *it* the minute I walked in the door. *It* is a project in the room that I failed to take into consideration when making my plans for the day lol.

There it was, two and a half inches of space between the baseboard's molding and the floor - just enough room for carpeting and padding LMAO. I hadn't removed the molding trying to skirt some work...I'm an idiot. I know.

So, all morning was spent prying those things off and nailing them back on - where they actually TOUCH the floor. It was 11 before I knew it and I was starved, so downstairs for an early lunch we came.

At 12:30 I get in the recliner. I'm hurting and when I stand up I'm light headed - add my belly in the mix and I'm just not worth shootin'. I plan to sit there until 1:30, then get up there and finish wet sanding all the woodwork so I can start priming.

I lean back in the recliner, aches - pains, ughh. I close my eyes thinking if I could just focus on something else, the pain wouldn't be so bad and I can get back to work. Somehow my mind says, "You want motivation? Your husband will be home and he'll be sleeping in the recliner while you are on the couch because your lazy butt hasn't finished the *damn* bedroom and HE HAS NOWHERE TO SLEEP!!!!"

I start thinking about seeing him - that brings on the pounding heart, chest pains, feelings of wanting to run to wherever he is because I just can't take another minute without him.

I open my eyes, think - well, this is worthless. Might as well get up and get back to work.

By 5, I had wet sanded every bit of woodwork, primed part of the window in the alcove, the big wall in the alcove and part of the wall above the sink. I brought all the stuff down to wash - and came in the living room for a minute to sit at the computer and rest.

I sit down at the computer and what do I do while my children are upstairs? I burst into tears. "I'm so tirrrrred" sob sob sob. Sheesh.

I get them to bed later on, sit down in the recliner for a minute. I'm just going to flip channels for a sec then return emails. Instead, I start watching the old movie Stars and Stripes Forever. SUCH a good movie. If you've not seen it, DO.

What do I do? I sob through the last ten or so minutes of it. Yeah, therapy is needed. Again, I know.

Usually my husband emails later in the evening. I write him right before bed, then he emails sometime and I get it in the morning on the days he can email. Well, I had been reading online and hadn't emailed him yet. I get a new email and look and see it's from him - so I cry because he had checked his email and I'd not written him yet so he had nothing waiting on him.

Yeah, I am going for a world record of crying jags today!!

There's more...

After writing husband, I head outside to water the dying plants that haven't been watered in a month or so lol. I get the hose out, drag it onto the porch, water everything.

I put the hose away and since now the grass is wet, I walk on the sidewalk around to the front of the house and look up. I can remember those first days after he left, I'd drive up to the house after dropping off our daughter to school and want to just drive away. Not even go inside.

This was our dream home. It was going to be filled with love and laughter and good times - our good times. He was retiring soon after we bought it.

I stood there looking at the house and thought - next month he was retiring. He was going to be hanging up the uniform NEXT month. This was the year we were suppose to have MORE time together. Where he could take off early if he wanted - or have a long lunch, do the ACAP classes and sham. I always laughed telling him he'd work like a dog until the day they told him he had to go home lol. He just couldn't sham if they paid him. Anyhow this was finally to be OUR year after his 19 others, not the Army's...

I walk past our front walk towards my neighbor's house. Audrey used to live there, but moved this past spring. I remembered this time of year that first summer we'd owned the house. He was still sick of the house lol, but he was coming around. He'd gone over to have a beer with Audrey's husband and I'd come out and had a drink with Audrey on our porch. I am not a drinker - so one drink and I'm ready to snore ;).

I walked over to their porch and husband and I walked back to our house with our arms around each other. We got just to the left of our front walk and Audrey is standing there with us. He looks up at the house, it's dark and you can't see the peeling paint that gave it that famous crackhouse feel lol. He said, "You know, it's a great looking house when it's dark."

Audrey and I busted out laughing lol. I told him, "See! When it gets painted, it'll be beautiful! You'll see, you'll love the house! One day you WILL say I was right."

He leaned over and kissed me and he said, "I'll love anywhere you are, baby."

And in an instant, I'm swooped back into the present like some cheesy movie flash back - and there I stood. Alone. At the very place just two summer's ago we'd stood and laughed and joked. And I'm looking at our beautiful home in the dark - much like the night I was remembering and I'm there alone. And it's been so long since anyone's hugged me but my children, I can't remember what it feels like to be in his arms.

I mumbled, "This isn't suppose to be like this. I look at this house and I feel lonely and isolated and fear and uncertainty. It's not filled with love and it hasn't been in such a long time. It wasn't suppose to be like this!!!" (insert tears welling up and a sob coming on)

Then, I realized I'm standing out in front of my house talking to myself. I figured someone on this nosey block was watching so I'd better just get my ass back inside where I can cry in the closet and talk to myself all I want - without the men in white coats coming for me lol.

Tomorrow just has to be better lol.

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