The Deployment Diary

Saturday, June 12, 2004

Day 272 - I'm Tired of Lonely

It's just been a crappy week. Nothing happened out of the ordinary thankfully, it's just been one of those weeks that had more low points than high ones.

It's my spot to spill my emotions, so this is what I plan to do. Just write it all out and admit this is how I feel instead of feeling guilty for even thinking some of the things that are bothering me. If I don't get some of this out, I'm afraid instead of slamming the car door so hard I'm not sure it will work right again like I did today, I might just put my fist through the window. I'm back to that angry at the world for no reason stage again. Damn, I am sure that was April/early May's stage. I'm not suppose to repeat these stages am I?

In all honesty, it just boils down to one thing: I'm so lonely. And I'm so damn TIRED OF BEING LONELY. And, it's just not my husband being gone lonely, it's just the fact of my life. If he's not around, it's just me.

It's summer and everyone is busy with their own lives, vacations and family BBQs and I'm not. I am busy, but - I'm busy with me and my friend the house. There's not another adult soul around.

I wish I hadn't been such a lazy good for nothing all winter and finished these house projects so I could go spend some time with my family. Even just a week would be so wonderful. A break from the monotony of this damn house and this day in and day out routine that I call my life.

A full year alone with two children and my Mother and step-father are the only two people who could find time to come visit and that was only for four days during Christmas. It didn't seem like they'd even gotten here before it was already time for them to leave. Heck, the week prior it was looking like her and my step-father might not come. Thanksgiving was the most horrible, lonely holiday I've ever spent and if I'd had to do Christmas alone too...

My feelings are hurt I guess. Not my mother-in-law, my father-in-law, my own father - my brother who called one day saying he was thinking of coming for Thanksgiving and never bothered to call back to let me know either way - none of them thought enough of THE THREE OF US to want to come for even a long weekend. Oh those in-laws will be wanting to come as soon as he's home. I sure hate it, but I'm not interested. Husband can get on a plane and go see them. After this year is up, I plan on relaxing this next year and entertaining relatives will not be a part of that plan.

Two grandbabies whose hearts would not have been so heavy if we'd been visited here and there - and no one thought enough of them to get on a plane. FIL has been so good at calling and emailing. MIL has been a royal pain in my ass since her visit just prior to him leaving. I've generally liked her throughout the years my husband and I have been married, but after some of the things she's said to me during this year, she can kiss my ass. Another rant for another day though.

My exciting Saturday night plan that I looked forward to all week? Watching Bridget Jones's Diary. I'd never seen it and it was coming on TNT. Oh the excitement.

And my husband has inadvertently hurt my feelings. Before I even type this one, know that I do realize that I'm being shallow and selfish. However, I just can't help but be upset about this and maybe by admitting that I am, I'll let it go.

About a month or two ago he said that talking once a week just wasn't enough. He was going to start calling twice a week at least. I thought that was wonderful. Getting to talk to him twice in one week?! HEAVEN!!

Well, the first week we were going to start our new plan, something bad happened over there and communication was cut. The next week, he said the same thing and again, another tragedy. The third week he said it, I said that maybe he should just pick up the phone and not say he's going to, because our luck thus far when trying to increase our communication hasn't been so grand. We both got a laugh out of that, despite what the weeks prior had been like for them. After that, he didn't mention it again and to this day, I've still not gotten two phone calls in a week. In his defense, the internet and the cheaper internet phones have been down for several weeks and they just got back up this week.

So, he emails the other day and says he finally tries to call his Dad and it turns out he's taking a trip to help an elderly friend and was gone for four days. He was able to talk to his aunt and his grandmother though.

Now, I know how much it meant for them to be able to talk to him. I do. However, at the same time, it burns my damn hide at the same time. I don't know why. Honestly, I don't. I just wonder how he'd feel if I were gone for a year and had a moment and instead of sharing it with him, I'm calling my extended family. I live for my once a week phone calls and it's the thirty minutes every week I don't feel so damn alone in the world.

It's become very clear to me that I have no life. No life outside of my husband and children that is. I had thought about finding us a church to go to. Mother's been after me since we moved here and I always say, "When I finish the kitchen (or other projects since), I will start trying to find us a new church." Then, I'm so beat after the project is finished and about the time I should get dressed and pick a local church to try - I end up starting another project and the idiocy starts all over again.

After he left, I'd planned to find us a church. I prayed a lot about it. Then I thought, if I did find one, the babies and I would be a part of this church. We'd know everyone and feel like part of the congregation's family. Then, he would come home and there would be an entirely new aspect to the three of our lives that he's not a part of. We'd be comfortable and he'd be new...and I feared it would feel as though our lives had gone on without him. I decided a new church would be something I'd rather us find as a family - once he got home.

My one friend here in town, her in-laws have visited no less than five times these past nine months. Her family was here when school let out - and then she'd be driving them back to their home state at the end of this month and spending July 4th back home.

My friend from the FRG - her father is retired Army. The town outside the gate is her hometown. Her parents live here. She can drive her Mom to Bingo and her Dad comes over to fix things in her house.

Me - it's just me. And gosh I don't know why this week has been like this, but gosh I've just been so lonely all I want to do is sit around and cry. It's not like when he first left, where I sat around and cried for him. I'm used to living alone now and that feeling that he could walk through the door at any moment is long gone. I can't even remember what it feels like to have him sitting in the living room with me. I just cry for the sake of crying. Because it's just me and I'm so lonely and I hate my life so much right now. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way because I have so much to be thankful for. I truly do.

But, I've built and lived my entire life around my husband. He works such long hours, when he is off of work, I don't want to go shopping with a friend - I want to be home, with him. I don't volunteer anywhere, I don't work outside the home. I have wonderful internet friends - but even they are busy these days.

So there you have it. I'm lonely and I'm tired of being lonely. Just another stupid pity party to add to the growing list of pity parties I've thrown for myself. Sheesh, I'm useless. At least I feel better after having dumped it all here lol.

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