The Deployment Diary

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Day 253 - Living Through Dreams

Our youngest has been sick this week. He's never taken naps. However, this bought of cough and runny nose has had him napping after lunch. I've ended up napping when he does - which has interrupted my ability to go to sleep at a decent hour at night.

It's odd really. At night, I rarely dream. This week, while our son and I would nap (him on the couch and me in the recliner), I've had have such vivid dreams about my husband.

Yesterday, I dreamed my husband was home and it was awful. In the dream, nothing happened other than me doing every-day things. He wasn't IN my dream, I was washing dishes or vacuuming and thinking, "I'm MISERABLE with him home! I can't believe for a year I had lived for this moment and now that he's here, I can't stand the sight of him! I cannot believe he's turned into such a butt, such a miserable human!"

Of course, the dream really bothered me when I woke up. Am I more nervous about his return than I think? Although not imminent, each day we're nearing the time when real excitement about his return can begin. Deep down am I concerned that I've changed or have gotten so used to being alone I won't want to share my life with him again? Even though when we talk on the phone, he sounds like the same man I said good-bye to, am I worried that he'll return this miserable human that hates his life? In turn, I'll be miserable. Will we ever find our normal, happy life again?

After a lot of thought, it dawned on me my feelings in my dream are the exact feelings a friend is experiencing. We've been friends since 1995. Shortly after moving to a new duty station, we met and after years of us not living near one another (or even seeing each other), through phone calls we've stayed in touch and remained friends. She'd called last week pretty late in the evening and her family just having PCS'd, was living in guest housing.

Her husband returned from Iraq right before Christmas and is completely miserable. A once hands on Dad, he now refuses to lift a finger to help with their children. He's angry all the time she says and reacts to things differently. When she asks, he says something about Iraq and then changes the subject.

The evening she called, we talked for thirty-five minutes or so while he was gone. They'd had a horrible argument and he'd left. She had to end the call quickly when he returned and I've not heard from her since. I've been worried of course, so I think my dream had more to do with me worrying about her and not being able to offer anything more than: I'm so sorry things are so bad right now. Hopefully when you move in to your new place, things will settle down.

Needless to say, I felt pretty useless. I have been thinking about her a lot, but have no phone number to call and check in with her. I hope just by listening I helped in some way. I really hope I hear from her soon...

Today, the power was off while the electrician updated the breaker box and wire from the pole to the house. I have no idea how little guy and I slept in the heat, but we did.

I dreamed I was in this glaring white classroom of sorts. An Army classroom with long tables and chairs lined up on both sides of the tables for people to sit in. I was signing in and talking to other spouses about how much we miss our husbands. About that time, at the back of the room a door opened and my husband came through - wearing his drill sergeant hat of all things and BDUs. It was so hot in my dream and he had sweat pouring down his face - but I still ran up to him and hugged him so tight and kissed him. Someone said, "All 1SGs are now wearing drill sergeant hats."

I have no clue the purpose of that dream, why the hat, the tables and chairs, the stupid statement etc. I have a 8 x 10 photo of my husband on the wall above my monitor - which was taken when he was on the trail so he has the hat on. I look at it every day, several times a day. I'm sure it was hot in my dream because it was hotter than heck in here - 90 degrees with not so much as a fan going with no electricity. Hugging and kissing him when he was so sweaty, it reminds me of when he'd had been to the gym and come home. He'd say "oh I'm sweaty, let me get a shower before you hug me" and me telling him I didn't care if he stunk lol, I was hugging him - and did ;).

His eyes under that hat in my dream. It was as if I were 22 again and looking into his eyes and seeing my soul. For the first time in nine months, I saw my husband and felt him hug me, even if it was only through a dream.

One day closer to his return. I hope the days keep going by as fast as they seem to be going this month. We're already to May 20th!

I miss him more each day and I cannot wait to hug him again. Sweaty - or not, but preferably in real life - although I'll take another odd dream as long as he's there...

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