The Deployment Diary

Friday, May 07, 2004

Day 241 - Going Through Archives...

There have been several times I've started entries and ended up copying and pasting them into my email's draft folder. Sometimes, I'd just stop writing in the middle in order to keep myself from continuing with the pity party. Other times, I felt that it was too easy to piece together things if I posted them at that time. In the next few entries, I'm going to highlight some of them...

When my husband gets home, I'd like for him to see what I was living while he was living a different reality. When he called earlier this week, he told me "not to worry." I asked him to imagine he read online that three city blocks here in our town were leveled. The news doesn't report where exactly in our city, or if it was women and children or just men... (like they often don't report if it's Navy, Marines, Army etc. over in Iraq at first). People were dead, 50 more injured and he knows it's where I am. A day or two would pass before he could get word from me as to whether we are ok. "Now" I said, "you try not to worry."

He said, "yeah, I get your point."

Yeppers, I betcha do ;).

I'm So Tired of Being Alone

It's been the week from hell. I have several entries written, but decided to sit on them for a bit to decide if I really want to share them. Maybe I'll finally go back and reread them tonight and make that decision.

Day 208. No email this morning. It's Sunday, so I figured that meant no weekly phone call either. I went out to water the flower and grass seed I'd put down in the backyard and decided to take the phone just in case.

I'm in this terrible mood. I don't know why. I've been in a good mood all weekend. Today - I'm sore. My legs, my back, shoulders and arms are sore from all the yard work after six months of sitting on my rear. I'm tired. I worked in the yard all afternoon on Friday until almost dark, all day on Saturday and then stayed up late working on the job online all weekend. Today I did 6 loads of laundry. Our son has decided he's a fashion guru. Every time he goes upstairs for a toy, he comes down sportin' a new outfit - including different shoes "zay match better Momma." While I put away every article of clothing he owns today, I really wanted to scream "STOP THE INSANITY!!!!!" lol!

So, the babies are bathed and in bed. The dishes are washed. Animals are fed. Now, the added chore of watering all the greenery in the backyard has to be done before I can sit down and get to work. I take the phone with me just in case and mentally tell myself how stupid I am for even getting my hopes up.

I water the roses first. All the while thinking about when I planted them last year and how pretty they will be when they finally bloom this year - and he won't be home to see it.

I go to the round planter in the middle of the brick patio. The tulips I put in last year are blooming. Gorgeous red tulips and pretty greenery has filled in the area. I water it all and think how pretty a fountain in the middle would be - maybe a birdbath with a fountain. Why bother? He's not going to be home in time to enjoy it.

I move on to the pond. I spent yesterday fishing decaying leaves and rocks (thanks son lol) out of murky fart-smelling water. I get the shop vac out and suck bucket after bucket of nasty smelling water out of it and dump it. Once empty, I clean it well (sucking that dirty water out of it) and then fill it back up with clean water and the blue dye. This blue stuff does something to the water to keep algae from forming - but is still safe for birds. The pump and fountain are back in there and the sound is so wonderfully relaxing.

But, I'm mad. Mad at the world this evening. I'm mad that the greenery this year around the pond is even more beautiful than last. The ivy on one side is really taking off, the bush has leaves already - soon the lilies will bloom. And, he won't see any of it. All this beauty and it is ALL OURS - and he won't be able to even enjoy a week of it. Everything will be dying by the time he gets home because it'll have started getting cold.

I want to kick something, so I move on to the areas by the drive. We have a big tree that produces these gorgeous white blooms. It's not a dogwood and none of my neighbors know what it is, but everyone agrees that it is one gorgeous tree. Unfortunately, the shade has kept grass from growing next to it all the way to the drive and I'm sick of dirt washing over the tiny cement retaining wall onto the drive every time it rains. I dug it up the other day and weeded and then put grass seed down. On the other side of the drive, I have about a foot of dirt between the drive's small retaining wall and the picket fence. I decided instead of having to cut that little bit of grass with a weed-eater, I'd plant flowers instead. I bought a box of assorted wildflower seeds at Wal-Mart. I dug up that area and then put the seeds down. I made my way over and watered the sprouts of the flowers first. I'm really surprised that they are already sprouting. The grass seed on the other side (fescue) hasn't done a darn thing yet :(. I'm watering all that and the phone rings.

I drop the hose, I take off running to the porch rail where I'd left the phone. I get the phone and it's a number I don't recognize. If husband is calling, it always says "unknown."

I'm ready to tell whoever it is I'm busy and I'll have to call them back say, next year when I'm not in this nasty mood. I say hello and hear that "I'm calling from the other side of the world" familiar sound. It's him.

I'm so damned tired. And, I'm so damned tired of being alone every-single-day-of-my-life. Also, I'm so relieved after the week military spouses across America and abroad have lived (including me, the news hound) - that I'm HEARING his voice. I cry. But of course! Great way to start off a phone call as usual. I am so tired of being a schmuck.

Oh well. I don't even care anymore that it seems I cry every third day like clock work. I'm working on this design job until the wee hours 7 days a week, raising our two children alone, restoring a house, now that it's warmed up trying to improve the exterior of our home, volunteering with the FRG again (long story), trying to support my in-laws, trying to support other military spouses online even when I can't support myself - and I'm just damn lonely. And, it's not a lonely of lack of friends or family support. I have three wonderful close friends and my family has been so very supportive of me during this. It's a lonely that can only be filled by him. He's my closest friend, my favorite person in this world. Life is just extremely lonely without him.

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