The Deployment Diary

Thursday, April 29, 2004

Day 233 - My Fear?

I saw this question posted on a forum and since I'm taking a break from participating - and the question fit in with yesterday lol, I thought I'd write about here.

My fear? Here lately it's been this consuming fear of something happening to one of my children. I'm smother mother, but I've been watching too much news. Kidnappings, predators, 12 year olds strangling 8 year old neighbors...

I just worry more now about another child hurting them more than I worry about them running out in the street these days. I check on them often at night - it's just this huge fear all of a sudden even though I know it's not rational. Hence why I've taken a big break from the news. Even at night if I sit down at the computer, I turn the station to HGTV now instead of Fox News. It's a no news ban in this house right now lol.

Yesterday didn't help. I'm on the ladder in the dining room repairing cracks in the plaster above the doorway to the kitchen. I hear my little guy say he's going upstairs to "get something to play with." No big deal. He's three and up and down the stairs all day every day. About 20 seconds later, this blood curdling scream happens and he's crying and saying something I couldn't understand. I told Mother last night I never knew a half cripple woman could fly off a ladder, hurdle a dining room table and get up two flights of stairs so fast lol.

The last time he screamed like that he saw something in the back hall that scared him so bad he wouldn't even go in the kitchen for a week. He was two, and all he could tell us was he saw a momptner (monster). Dh and I never did figure out what scared him back there.

So here I am on my way yelling, "What baby? What happened?!! I'm coming!!"

I get to the landing and I understand what he's saying - the attic door is open. Every hair on my arms, head and my neck felt like it stood up. The attic door is in the hall upstairs and you have to pass it to get to his room. I guess when he went up and saw that door standing there open it scared the poopoo out of him. Hell, it scared me too.

So, I shut the door and lock it. It has a skeleton key. I give him a hug and send him downstairs. He heads on down and I call the rottweiler (who was guarding the stairs at the landing down to the front door), get the gun and go walk through the upstairs. I know - paranoid, but still. Someone could have gotten in when we were out and decided to hide in the attic or something (we've had three home invasions in our small town in the past six months). So I take that back - one of my HUGE fears as of late (again, thanks news) is something horrible happening to me (which is ok) but my children finding the aftermath (NOT ok). I told Mother last night, the thought of someone doing something to me and my children seeing that - and their lives being ruined emotionally would make me fight to the damn death.

Another fear were the damn squirrels (we have squirrels in our attic I recently found out). I didn't know how long the door had been open and one of the little things could have gotten in the house - and what if it bit my child or me and rabies... In an instant I'm playing out some attack of the killer squirrels in my mind and wondering if I shot the little bastard, how much it would cost me to have the subsequent damage to the house repaired - since I already have to pay the electrician (who never showed and someone to repair the house to keep the squirrels out). Do you see why I need a vacation folks lol?

So, from what I figure happened is, I didn't shut the door well on Sunday when my friend came out to visit. I had showed her the attic (hence how I know squirrels are up there since I do NOT go up there - it's a husband only area lol). The wind was blowing so hard yesterday, I figure it blew open the door I hadn't shut well. After the dogs and I did a walk through, I felt around the door and there's a big ol' breeze coming around that door. One of the windows in the attic is open and since I do not go up there, I refuse to shut it lol. When the electrician or the carpenter comes, they can walk the rafters in that area (and dodge knob and tube wiring) to shut the darn thing. The center of the attic is floored, but the area of the alcoves where the windows are has no floor.

So, there you have it. I'm afraid of someone hurting my children (even other children hurting my children now) and afraid of someone hurting me and my children finding the aftermath. I'm small, but I kick in doors people lol. If it's me or some intruder, I plan to be the one still standing explaining to the cops why I have a dead body in my house. Deep seeded (even irrational) fears can make a Mother one deadly creature...

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