The Deployment Diary

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Day 231 - At a Crossroads of Sorts

I'm finding that things I used to enjoy - I no longer enjoy. The internet for instance. I used to enjoy discussing life with other spouses online. I used to have empathy even for the smallest problem that may arise and be posted by someone. Somewhere, along this year-long path, I've lost that. I find whining to be irritating. I've found people who search for drama through online boards to be irritating. I've found that while I take people as they are, the same cannot be said for others regarding me. And that last one deeply hurts.

I'm not perfect. I'm not anyone who remotely has all the answers. I'm no stronger or better than anyone else. I feel very alone though, where I used to feel a part of something bigger than myself and surrounded by friends.

I'm amazed by women who are not interested in this presidential election. Their loved ones will serve under the person who wins - and if the wrong person wins, their lives will be at stake - more so than now.

Right now, my husband has less than one year before he plans to hang up the uniform and retire. We'll be able to turn off the news and live in our small town ignoring the big picture for a while if we so choose. These other families will not. The person who wins in November will have the power that impacts them all and so many seem oblivious.

I'm so passionate and so concerned - and so frightened, I find myself feeling as though I am talking to myself. That I'm the only person who sees it for the truly huge thing that it is. The only person completely sickened by the fact a man who would sell out those who were fighting the same war he had just returned from, is now running for the most powerful office in the world - in another time of war. If he'd sell them out in 1971, if he'd vote against funding our forces TODAY in this war, he'll sell them out again and already has. He'll get them hurt. He'll get them killed. And my husband won't be the one dying as he'll have hung up his uniform.

These people are facing three, six or more years of service and seem as though they have little interest in what is happening. Little interest that the left in this country is leaning harder towards militancy and how that impacted the Vietnam war. How it could impact the ones they love. It's as if we have an entire generation that says "If I don't read it, if I don't watch it - it's not real." Where is the outrage that a scoundrel such as Kerry is even being considered for the Presidency? And what does that say about our country?

I just feel alone. I feel like my fear and concern has been turned into some fiction of my imagination. I'm tired of people who have their husbands sitting next to them - in the safety of their own living room, making a big drama about what is going on in Fallujah when my husband is right there and has been there for eight months - and we've yet to even get an idea of when they'll be returning.

I feel that if anything, I have a RIGHT to say it's time we take care of business in Fallujah. I've lived the aftermath as people out of that town set bombs that maimed and killed people my husband knew and loved. I've held my breath for twenty-four hours each time a bomb went off and lived in shear terror that it was my husband killed. All the while, idiot women who have loved ones who don't follow the rules and don't abide by the communication shut down, call to tell me THEIR husband called, is alive and well and the soldiers that were killed were from OUR group - before the news is even reporting who the dead belonged to. Nothing like that to add to your fear...

I feel I have a RIGHT to say enough is enough damn it. I don't want to know another family will be facing the rest of their lives without their husband. I don't want to know babies that have not even been born will NEVER know their father. People my husband knows, families my friends know - and the stories behind the scenes I will know that the press will never report. It weighs you down, it breaks your heart and it is day after day after day. And to have someone who doesn't even have someone SITTING THERE tell ME they have a stake in it, I want to puke. PLEASE. We all have a stake, we all do and I understand that. But some of us, although sitting in the safety of our homes, are living it along with the ones we love who are there DOING IT. It's not photos on our TV, but individuals whose lives have been altered forever due to those sitting in that ONE town of Fallujah. Holed up and wanting to kill every soldier, every Marine.

I do have a right don't I? To feel this so deeply and hurt so badly over the decisions that allowed this area to grow into a bigger and more dangerous problem than it had to be?

The news is reporting 70 IEDs have been found after the bombing we just did in Fallujah. Each IED kills on average two soldiers and maims many more. Think of the lives we just saved of our OWN people. And some person is going to remind us that there are civilians in this town? When we gave them every opportunity to leave and have waited almost a MONTH to take this town? Talk about the civilians to those who are facing learning to eat or hug their children with NO ARMS. Talk about civilians to children who will NEVER see their mother or father again. Talk about civilians to wives whose lives have been DESTROYED.

I feel so alone, in a sea of people who just don't get it. And for the life of me, I cannot make myself want to keep going back and being around them. I'm truly at a crossroads, and in the end, I may cut my losses and call it a day. Not ever to look back....

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