The Deployment Diary

Friday, April 16, 2004

Day 220 - An Exhausting Week...

I can't recall ever being this tired in my life. The deadline for the design job was today. They send me 90% of the content I had waited on/needed all week to be finished in time for today - on Wednesday. I had planned to spend all day Wednesday at the computer, that way I could still follow through with my new plan of being asleep by 11 pm every night. Instead of sending it that morning, one email after another, all holding no less than three and up to 10 attachments started coming in around 4:30 pm. So, having little choice, Wednesday night I worked through the night. I figured if I went to sleep, I'd never wake up lol. I was that tired.

Yesterday I left early to take our daughter to school so I could pick up milk and a few other things and make it home by 8 am and get started. With only taking breaks to feed babies and get a child to and from school and baths and bed time, I finally finished up the last of the changes and additions last night around midnight.

I had not emailed anyone that had emailed me this week, so I sent a few emails out and collapsed on the couch close to 1 this morning. We woke up around 6:30 and it's apparent that I did not get nearly enough rest. I'm more tired today than I was yesterday having not gone to sleep at all!

This morning, several more changes have been taken care of and we're waiting on the graphic guy to send me several new images. This evening I'll install the tracking system. Hopefully they will look over everything very carefully this weekend, we can make any changes and plan for Monday to go live with it. Then, I will finally have some much needed free time to sleep - well, first I have to clean this house that has been neglected all week :(.

Later Today....
I never found the time to finish this entry earlier today, so I'm revisiting it tonight hopeful to at least write ONE entry before going to sleep.

The plan was to cut grass after picking up our daughter from school. It was close to 90 degrees this afternoon. When I went to pick up our little one from school, that kind of heat after 60 degrees all week made me feel like poo on top of being so tired. I decided instead we'd go to bed early tonight and I'd get up in the morning and cut the grass before it got too hot.

I was getting ready to feed the dogs and had put them outside to take a potty break while I got their food ready. Both of them started going crazy, so I went out to see what all the fuss was about. Four neighbors had surrounded the fence. I'm so tired, I look as though I've been on a four day drinking binge or something, my eyes are such road maps and glassy :(. I'm ashamed to admit I was not in the mood to visit.

The lady who lives a block away says her husband is going to cut my grass. That they haven't been able to do anything for us since my husband left and he wanted to do this. I told her to please go and enjoy their Friday evening together and not spend it working on my yard. That I'd planned to do it this evening, but it was so hot, I was going to get up early in the morning and get out there and do it before it got too hot. She said they were not listening lol. He wanted to cut the grass and I might as well just go on back in the house because they weren't listening to no. I thanked her profusely. They are such kind people and the grass had once again gotten so high it would have taken me several hours to cut it all.

My other neighbor asked if I'd like a beer. She's a nice lady - probably between my age and Mother's. She has a grown son and lives alone. I declined and told her I was so tired, I'd smell it and it'd knock me out ;). I don't drink, but didn't see the point in going into all that at the moment.

The first lady asked how my husband was and if I'd heard from him. I told her with everything going on, we aren't able to communicate like we were. It's hard to get used to not talking through email several times a week like we had been, but we've only got four more months or so...

She made the comment she didn't know how I kept sane. That they are always thinking of him with everything being so violent over there. Of course, my eyes fill with tears and I tell her I've never lived in shear terror before. That I thought I had known and met fear in my life, but I now know I hadn't a clue prior to this. This is fear and it's an every day feeling you can't escape from. I never did sob - I'm so proud of myself. Only eyes filing with tears, score one for the tired woman ;). Going on five hours of sleep since Wednesday, it's no small thing that I didn't burst into tears. I again said, we only have four more months hopefully and this will all be behind us and I'll get my boring, no drama, easy-going life back.

A bit more small talk and the babies and I came in to get them ready for bed. It's finally dark out and they've finished the yard. I'm sitting here with the windows open enjoying the smell of fresh cut grass. It's one of my favorite smells in the world...it reminds me of summers when I was a child. That was the smell of summer being on its way, school getting out and having my days and nights to play; to be a child.

It's funny, several things this week have made me remember feelings of my childhood. A song on the radio, a conversation with Mother, now the grass being cut... I'd be lying if I said I haven't wished several times I could go back to being a child. Where worry and fear were not something I had truly ever been introduced to. Wishing I could go back to when someone else took care of everything and my job was to eat, sleep and go play. Just a few moments this past week where an overworked, overstressed woman had longed for simpler times. Wished for that feeling of being surrounded by people who loved her - instead of living in fear and being a two day drive away from the closest family member.

As my grandmother used to say, If wishes were horses......

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