The Deployment Diary

Saturday, March 13, 2004

August and Everything After - PART II

I get in the car after saying good-bye to my husband the first time he'd been deployed after we married. This Counting Crows song starts playing. My gosh, it said so much of what I was feeling at that moment. Verses in italics really hit home...


Time and Time Again

I wanted so badly somebody other than me
Staring back at me but you were gone
I wanted to see you walking backwards
And get the sensation of you coming home
I wanted to see you walking away from me
Without the sensation of you leaving me alone


Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I can’t please myself

I wanted the ocean to cover over me
I wanna sink slowly without getting wet
Maybe someday, I won’t be so lonely
And I’ll walk on water every chance I get


Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I can’t please myself

So when are you coming home, sweet angel?
You leaving me alone? all alone?
Well if I’m drowning darling, you’ll come down this way on your own


I wish I was traveling on a freeway
Beneath this graveyard western sky
I’m gonna set fire to this city
And out into the desert we’re gonna ride

Time and time again
Time and time again
Time and time again
I can’t please myself

I can’t please myself
I can’t please nobody else


The fact the desert (even if the writer had meant out west here in the states lol) made it even more moving to me.

The other song - which I've yet to really understand the original intent of, had verses that hit close to home also.


Raining in Baltimore

This circus is falling down on it’s knees
The big top is crumbling down
It’s raining in baltimore fifty miles east
Where you should be, no one’s around


I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call

These train conversations are passing me by
And I don’t have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But I just had no intention of living this way


I need a phone call
I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn
I need a raincoat

And I get no answers
And I don’t get no change
It’s raining in baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same


There’s things I remember and things I forget
I miss you I guess that I should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?


I need a phone call
Maybe I should buy a new car
I can always hear a freight train if I listen real hard
And I wish it was a small world
Because I’m lonely for the big towns
I’d like to hear a little guitar
I think it’s time to put the top down

I need a phone call
I need a raincoat


I had grown up in a military town, but never dated a soldier. So, the verse of "But I just had no intention of living this way" gets me every time. It says to me, you love who you love - and no matter what plan you had for your life, love takes you where it takes you. I had never imagined falling in love with someone who put their life on the line for their country. Although many family members have served in wars through the years, I never imagined I'd live anything remotely close to what they had lived. One day, everything changes and the intentions you had, what you thought would be - it matters nothing because of love. I'd follow him to the ends of the earth. I'd wait for him for years, I'd give my own life to save his. Intentions are nothing. Love is everything.

I'm sure anyone who has lived this can understand the part about not getting answers, not getting change. It's raining in Baltimore, baby - but everything else is the same. It's just so true - I try to keep life the same. No new friends, no new big purchases. Where when he returns, it's the same - we're still the loving family he left, supper is still on the table at the same time and he can decompress and fall back into regular life. Maybe that's stupid, but it works for me and apparently works for him. Life is just going through the motions most days when he's gone. Probably not healthy, probably work a therapist would love to embrace lol. However, our babies don't wake screaming at night. Our oldest is excelling in school despite being a Daddy's girl and missing him deeply. Our youngest regressed a little in potty training when Daddy left, but now is completely potty trained and sleeping in big boy undies now. We don't sit around and cry every day, we still read together, watch fun movies and eat popcorn on Friday Night Movie Night on Disney, we go to the park, we laugh together, plenty of hugs and love. When it's just me though, and they are tucked in and safe in their beds - it's raining in Baltimore, but here on the homefront - everything else is the same and will remain the same until he returns. We're a partnership and half makes no big moves without the other.

And then there's the some things you remember and some you forget. It's like when you're driving down the road and a memory of something just strikes you out of the blue. Something funny that happened, some little tiny thing you hadn't thought of in years and you smile and wonder how you could have ever forgotten it.

What would you change if you could? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is no other I love on earth like him. No matter what happens, that love will always be his and will always be waiting on him.

It’s raining in baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same...


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